Post-Hookup Etiquette

“Don’t leave your panties on his ceiling fan… your shit my end up on some frat house wall-of-shame.”- Ella.

A typical courting (first date, first kiss), is what we long for. But often we gotta settle for the casual, meaningless hookup. This doesn’t mean the dude is meaningless, per say. But the nature of the relationship is 1. not exclusive and 2. didn’t involve dinner. Ladies, your post-hookup etiquette is all wrong. Simply terrible. You’re sending the wrong vibes. Advice like this is long overdue, and I’m here to save you from yourselves.

First of all, never ever ever ever (ever!) let a guy crash at your pad unless you’re in a relationship. He does not need to see your stuffed animals, photos of your BFFs, or your unmentionables (tampons, vibrators, lube, self-help books). Furthermore, kicking someone out of your house (bed/hotel room) the next morning is Sofa King awkward. Stay at his house and viola! Problem solved. This brings me to my next point:

What’s more awk than kicking someone out of your bedroom? Being the person who is getting kicked out of the bedroom. Don’t overstay your welcome. In fact, I highly suggest leaving before sunrise and most definitely before he wakes up. It’s much better he wonders “Where’d she go?” than “When’s she gonna go?” Do you want risk being Coyote Ugly? Leave before broad daylight exposes your real face.

Here are important steps to escaping:

  1. Don’t wake him up, or even say goodbye. Just leave...leave a lovely short note on his mirror/desk/whatever. Had fun, call me! Do not leave your number. If he really wants it he’ll find a way to get it, I promise. Do not sign your full name, a simple “XOXO” is mysterious and casual. And if he shows his friends, he can’t prove you wrote it.
  2. Gather all your belongings. Always. Even if he’s your boyfriend. I looooove my best friend, but I don’t leave my toothbrush/clothes at her house. Why? Because I don’t live with her. Duh. Guys think when you leave stuff at their house it’s fair-game to do whatever they want with it. Also, they’re cocky and convince themselves, “Oh she did it on purpose just to see me again.” No, no, no. Take your shit or consider it lost airport luggage gone forever.
  3. Never ask him for a ride home. After all the alcohol, Del Taco, and bodily fluids you swallowed last night, you probs need a walk anyway. If he lives far away, 1-800-4-My Taxi. Or get a girlfriend to pick you up. You’re independent, resourceful, and got better shit to do than wait for his dumbass to take you home. If your friend says, “I’ll be there in thirty,” just start walking. Get out as fast as you can.

When the guy wakes up in the morning and you’re gone, you now have the upperhand. He’s left all alone with his insecure thoughts, his mind will run wild. Have you ever had a butterfly land on your finger? You admire it, and then it flies away. Come back little butterfly, you were so pretty. Be That Butterfly. He will chase you (text you, facebook you, etc.). And if he doesn’t… he’s an asshole anyway.

However, shit happens and sometimes the guy wakes up first. Freshen up! Always keep mascara and lipgloss in your purse. You don’t need the entire Mac store to look presentable. You’re young, your skin still has elasticity. Guys only notice make-up when it’s running down your face like The Joker from Batman anyway.

Lastly, if you go to school/work with him or live in the same area code, chances are you will cross paths in the future. Always be sweet, even if he was a terrible mistake. Do not be weird.
Avoiding eye contact is weird. Staring at him from afar is weird. Adding him on facebook is weird. Act normal.
But not too normal. If you pretend that it was no big deal,  he’ll think you’re a whore. Just smile, be charming and cute like a butterfly, so he’ll want to chase you for more lovin’.

111 thoughts on “Post-Hookup Etiquette

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  3. LMBO – So, does this college / university teach “Spelling?” I did not make it through the first paragraph, before detecting typos. Oh, wait – That is part of the “Post Hookup Etiqutte.”; Pretend to be less – educated, and perhaps He won’t call again……

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  5. I would view a woman who did this has being weird or having poor character, and therefore I would lump her in the “not worth the time” or “too risky (possible personality disorder)” category and definitely wouldn’t contact her again.

    You should be trying to lessen games and game playing, not increase it. This is because game playing is so rampant that it’s become trite, predictable (in terms of intent) and boring. A girl that refuses these games I see as a diamond in a sea of coal that is definitely worth pursuing and taking seriously. Don’t be like all the other girls, especially with this extreme move, but instead differentiate by showing a more refined and stable character. Only by doing this will you attract the high quality male (non-asshole with a lot of options) who will recognize your oh- so-rare character and not let his find go. Granted, it will take more than sticking around after sex, but doing so is a start (albeit a basement level start).
    Signed,
    A guy

    • The way I see it, this is more for the one night stand hook up, and not anything that will legitimately lead to something substantial. Too many girls try to make that morning into a a relationship-building exercise, and they really just need to learn to suck it up, realize the night for what it was, and leave.

  6. Great advice.

    D, I think you’re being a little extreme. Not letting a guy stay and leaving before he wakes up is a good move. THAT is oh-so-rare. I’ve never had a girl do that to me so it would get my attention.

    Again…Great Advice Ella

    Radio

  7. L.M.A.O. OMG.
    I was the QUEEN of the hook up and BOUNCE.
    The walk of shame was my M.O. I would schlep to the subway come hell or high water. If I needed a friend to pick me up then you bet I was already waiting down the street, not in front of his house.
    A casual hook up is what it is. Leave it at that and keep it moving.
    The best tip I can give is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS HAVE A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES WITH YOU for the morning after. They are a game changer, all of a sudden you have some privacy and can sleep/stare/space out behind your glasses.
    This post is priceless and I will be laughing all day about how awesome my life was in my 20’s.

  8. Very interesting, blunt and wise advice. Could definitely save a lot of humiliation on the part of some college students. But, will she feel safer at her place versus at his?

  9. Nice post. That said, my experience is that guys I sleep with always call. I don’t know why, sometimes they leave it a few weeks, but they always call.Maybe since I’m not that hot, they mainly sleep with me cause I’m nice, and that makes them want to sleep with me again. Or maybe it’s just that I’m easy (oh yeah, that’s it!).

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  11. LMAO!- If it’s just a hook up I ALWAYS leave or send him packing first thing in the morning or (ahem sometimes in the middle of the night)… Harsh yes but unless there’s more to the situation waking up in each others arms or some shit only confuses things! Unless you’re my ‘man’ I dont want to be subjected to your morning breath either and will save you from mine! WIN WIN!

  12. I see where your coming from…..protection of the ego…..to satisfy the libido….men do it all the time hiding behind “their guyness”. Plus in your twenties it’s “fun” (to a point). Hell it’s fun in your thirties and forties but it wears..in the end I assume your looking for “something” at that end of that rainbow of sex…..just saying but maybe don’t be so worried about running away and putting him to the “test” all the time….cuz maybe that pot of Gold is just sitting there waiting for you to pick it up that you walked away from (some might be a pot of piss -grant you) …….just my thoughts on the matter I dont know you from anywhere ..were not all bad guys, were stupid and have stupid hormones that get away from us but we can be really sincere and caring at times …just saying…nice blog..:)

  13. I am not sure about your rules this post. When I was out being single and free, I had no rules and just did what I felt like doing, regardless of what the man might think of me later.Maybe stuff for anext book. Check out what dating after 50 is like nowadays….can not really recommend it.
    good luck, Johanna
    Babyboomerwrites.wordpress.com

    • As a guy, I tend to agree. I had to drive a girl to work….and I didn’t want to. Not going to call her again.
      As for the keep make up close by to save yourself from Coyote Ugly, all I can think of is that scene from Bridesmaids where she does her make up and then jumps back in bed to act like she’s sleeping….too funny.

  14. Brilliant. Well done. I’ve just written MAN UP IN TEN LESSONS, and judging from a couple of comments here, there are plenty of folks out there who really, really need to read it… Can a “WOMAN UP IN TEN LESSONS” be far behind? C’mon Ella, just think of the joint author tour/talk show opportunities!

  15. Reblogged this on Sex, Love and Houston and commented:
    Ella is Amazing… such great advice for women and well.. men this applies to you too.

    Do I need to create a list of do’s and don’ts for you to print out and keep in your wallet? Don’t tempt me.. I’ll do it.

  16. Great advice! Americans can be so screwed up when it comes to matters of sex and this patriarchy are all about what’s good for the gander ain’t so good for the goose. Why can’t women be “allowed” to “get away with” things that are perfectly acceptable for men, among men?!

    Well said!

  17. I was in the neighborhood, so I figured I’d stop in. By the way, do you have a cold beer? Thanks for stoppin In the meantime, I’m from the old school, so I’m not as hip as the others about this website.

  18. My cougar hunts never happened, though all your advice sounds great for people caught in a one-night-stand jam. I could add another tip: always keep your cell phone charged. Hope that helps someone “escape” an awkward situation.

    Now I’m going to browse your blog. Five-stars!

  19. I have to ask, would be easier to just go home afterwards? Sometimes the girl leaves afterwards because she has work in the morning (on a school night, we are teachers) or some other lame excuse. You would bypass all of these things. This is of course unless you want to cuddle up with someone (which I am all up for) or if you only hook up with people when drunk, in which case it might be safer to be in bed than trying to go home.

  20. Love this. My (now husband) had a roommate who still hooks up with a few random chicks each weekend. We would see them sneaking out in the wee hours of the morning, but at least 1 out of 3 would always leave something behind. The guys had a mannequin that would wear the bras, shirts, necklaces, etc. that were left behind by these girls; terrible. Don’t let your underwear become someone else’s home decorating! Take it all with you! Great advice.

  21. Ha. “So what if he broken, I want him now!” Ella, I love your name, it is sophisticated and love your post. You are funny! I’m still laughing.

  22. Haha! Good God. I love your writing. It’s fresh, spunky and to be completely honest: really god damn helpful. I got more than a chuckle or two out of your posts. I look forward to reading more and maybe even asking you a question or two of my own🙂

  23. Pingback: Filling In Some Gaps | Outlaw Mama

  24. When someone “likes” an entry on my blog, it’s my habit to check theirs out, see if I can return the favor. I always find it fascinating when someone who writes a “post-hookup etiquette” blog “likes” what they see on mine.

    I won’t bore you with a blow-by-blow feminist rundown of all that’s Messed Up about this post, but let’s just say it’s a touch Patriarchal. To quote my favourite radical transfeminist, “When I said ‘fuck the Patriarchy’, I didn’t mean it literally.”

    p.s. “awk”? …Really?

    • I think what surprises me most about your comment is that there are other people writing “post-hookup” blogs, I thought I was a trail blazer. Boo. I appreciate the feedback, that is a funny quote. I like to abbreve (abbreviate) everything; it’s a SoCal (southern California) thing. I also feel that it makes the reading more conversational. It’s unfortunate that you assess my post as messed up, but one can’t win them all. I appreciate the time you spent sharing your thoughts nonetheless & will def use that quote in the future.

      cheers!

      • Alas, writing how-tos on all kinds of “taboo” sex topics is no longer trailblazing. I appreciate that you are honest and not another blogging extremist trying to out-do the next writer. Tired sex stereotyping is also old news, though, which is what turned me off to the post. Abbreving is a SoCal thing, eh? Learn something new every day…

  25. This is hilarious I couldn’t stop laughing. What a great post. I am a follower now and looking forward to your next post. cheers Judy
    judysp.wordpress.com

  26. My second inclination after reading this was to give you a motherly lecture about risk-taking (and so on) – which I am sure would be *totally* new to you.

    My first inclination was to smile and nod.

    You are definitely not promoting game-playing here. You’re promoting avoiding the game – the game of pretending that what happened was anything other than it was.

    My limited (cough) experience suggests that a man *will* be intrigued and *will* track you down if you do this. However, he may use the initial encounter as an excuse to treat you as “cheap” sometime down the line…as if he wasn’t also there.

    Stupid double standard.

  27. Ha! Great post! I always wanna take this badass upper hand approach, but then I put my guard down and get all attached quick when it’s supposed to be a hook up. Not a relationship! good advice!

  28. funny, I agree about the guy noticing the make-up part. Guys usually never notice the makeup unless it is too much that it makes you look unnatural. On one of your normal make-up days, guy might just say “hey, you looking pretty today” but if you go for the ultra smokey and red-carpet look, it would make them worry about you. Or he might just think that you want him really bad and went for all the trouble to paint yourself from end to the other. Best thing is to keep it cool, normal, everyday like! by the way,
    looking forward to you in future!

  29. I LOVE your blog! I admire how you’re not afraid to get personal–plus I like your sense of humor🙂 Off to subscribe to your blog.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

  30. Hey, Ella! I have been married almost 30 years so ladies, listen up, what’s she’s saying here is truth!! All of it! Men don’t marry the women who have no mystery. You can’t demand their attention, you command it by keeping them wondering about what might be next. That butterfly analogy is dead on — get yourself in the position of being pursued — not pursuing! What a fun read — thanks for sharing with the world!

  31. I guess I spoke to soon. It seems like you are one of those girls that sets up relationships to be a game for guys. I just want to ask if it’s working for you? Entertaining yes, but this has to be exhausting. I have a gorgeous girlfriend that sleeps with at least 3-4 guys a week. She calls me after each encounter and talks my ear off with her nonsense drama. If she just stopped being such a skank and slowed down a bit she would find a good guy. Sad part is this girl never has orgasms during sex either. I have a theory that girls that can’t orgasm sleep around more. When you are in a relationship though the sex is sooo much better. I have at least 15 orgasms every time I have sex. So this shit ain’t broken. Just saying slow down girls and wait for a good guy that WANTS to please you…you’ll all be much happier. I’m older than you and speak from experience lol.

  32. Good advice. I like the aspects you put in there of having the upper hand. Don’t think that guys don’t go through the same thoughts though and might be basically playing the same game😉

    Also there are on occasion unusually chill guys who really don’t care about games (maybe that is their game) and are totally cool with you waking up and cooking breakfast with them and actually being cordial post hook up.

    In general your advice is great on this issue and much overdue.

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  34. A better idea is to leave right away after the sex is over because that’s what the hook-up ever was just sex so why stick around? Sticking around gives the wrong idea that you’re are interested in them. Only stick around if you want some more sex after a little bit of a rest otherwise just leave.

  35. In my younger non married days, I had a simple rule…if we had sex the first night, I wasn’t calling her anyways. Patriarchal? Yes. A double standard? Yes. But I was never the type to initiate on a first night, being a guy I wasn’t really one to turn it down either.

    I had a few stay over, and a few leave. Those that left were forgotten. Those that stayed got a homecooked breakfast and conversation, if she was confident, intelligent, kind, sweet… I usually attempted to keep her as a friend. Not a friend with benefits, just a friend. Perhaps I’m older than my years, but I’ve always seen sex as an expression of some deeper passion or love. While there is nothing wrong with the random hookup, it has never been my goal. It has also never been my goal to have multiple friends with benefits who I adored in every way but could not love because of our meeting…but it has happened.

    I suppose the one warning in all this I would provide to your readers is simply… you may only be looking for sex and you may be losing your future wife/husband in the process. You may be missing out on the best friendships of your life by not bathing in a few moments of awkwardness.

    Perhaps an extreme example, but I met my wife standing in the street… my ties at the time were to two fwb who I was considering breaking my own moral code to.become.involved with… two days after I met the amazing woman who I bumped into walking down the street…I severed those.ties.

    Happiness, lasting happiness, finds you at the oddest of times

  36. I’ve never been a huge believer but when it turned out that lovespell was my last hope, I gave it a try because my lover stopped talking to me, after begging and pleading with him I realized that nothing was working out, he left me to meet another girl, i had no choice than to ordered a reunite love spell from dr.marnish@ yahoo. com to help me get my lover back, after the spell was cast, the Results was fantastic, I never expected what i saw, I’m so grateful i came across this spell caster, My love left his other girlfriend and we came back together have, dr marnish changed my life and made me a true believer!

  37. Pingback: Days Since Break-Up: 13 | #HowEllaGotHerGrooveBack

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