Choosing A Fraternity Formal Date

[Foreword: This blog is for all the little undergrad girls who want to say this shit, but can’t.]

Ok so it’s Spring again, a frat boy’s fav time of the year. Why? Well because girls start dueling til the death sluttin’ it up hoping to get invited to fraternity formals. To be 100% honest, in college I was too afraid of being one of those girls. I would just say to my guy friends, Take who you think will be the most fun. Even though the obvious answer was me (duh), some guys didn’t get the hint.

My good friend Nina eloquently said, I’d rather be a nun at home, than a slut in Vegas. Well put, Nina, well put. But I don’t wanna be a slut or nun. I just want to be in Vegas.

Downside to being a graduate: I no longer get to soberly greet the fraternity’s fresh meat in class or the library.

Upside: I can now be completely shameless in my attempts to get invited to their formals.

I am The Ultimate Dream Date:

  • Buy one, get one free. If you’re man enough, you can tag-team me with my hot friend Macy. The 3 of us could spoon, have pillow fights, the works.
  • Any other date you’re considering is uglier than I am. And if not, then she’s prob a stuck-up bitch who’s gonna ditch you. Every year I see it happen. But I have subzero self-esteem, so you can be a crappy/unattractive date and I’ll still keep a smile on my face. This brings me to my third point:
  • You can be a crappy date, and I’ll still keep a smile on my face. I won’t even trash-talk you to all the bulimics & cokeheads who spend the entire formal in the girls’ bathroom.
  • I don’t do drugs, but it’s cool with me if you do. If you get a nose bleed, you can wipe it on my sleeve; I’ll be wearing a black dress anyway.
  • I always wear black. It’s my signature color, plus it covers up my inevitable sweat stains from dancing.
  • When I drink, I open tabs. Win-win for everyone.
  • I won’t hook-up with someone else. So I may (probably) have hooked up with half your pledge class. That’s in the past, this weekend I only have eyes for you. Next weekend, however, no guarantees.
  • I graduated, so no awkward post-formal, post-hookup run-ins during finals week. You can see me as little/often as you want.
  • Lastly, my reputation speaks for itself. But don’t take my word for it, go find one of my past dates. They’ll tell you what’s good.

Every year I hear, My date was terrible. I should have taken you, Ella. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Cry me a river. Alls I can say is: this year, you’ve been warned.

Oh and if I’m already taken, I’ll send you a list of suitable alternatives. Ciao!

29 thoughts on “Choosing A Fraternity Formal Date

  1. Ah those are the days. I graded in 1978! I ate my rose boutonniere at the after-grad party to cheer up a friend whose date had ditched her. It worked, she laughed and survived.

  2. I can see humor throughout your blog, but I also see a lot that makes me sad. It is all about the difference in values and perspective I guess. I had a junior ask me to her sorority ball my freshman year. We had a blast together, no booze, no sex, no waking up the next day wondering what I did or why I did it. Your list of discarded men runs counter to your claim of low self-esteem, as well as the way you write. I think you would be interesting to talk to and find out more about. Most guys are perverts, but not all.

    • The point of my blog isn’t to promote the idea that one needs sex and booze to “have a blast.” It simply takes a humorous spin on how to cope with the social norms of college and dating life. Humans are beautifully complex; that’s why superstars like Beyoncé, Kanye, Megan Fox, Marilyn Monroe etc. have publicly struggled with self-esteem issues. Sure, I often feel insecure. But who wants to read an emo blog about how I hate my thighs?

  3. I’m not an undergrad girl. In fact I’m not a girl at all, but I thought your post humorous, light and culturally informative. Thanks for the smile you gave me.

  4. haha, I laughed so hard at this 😀 I also always open tabs when I drink, what a stupid habit!

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