Why I Date Amputees

My very first crush was BJ from Barney. My first human crush was Michael in kindergarten. It may be super creepy to describe how sexy a 5-year-old was, but I’ll try anyway. He was tall, gorgeous, Japanese, and the way he would bend over to take a drink from the water fountain was just heavenly. […]

Boo Radley Syndrome

“Boo was about 6½ feet tall… he dined on raw squirrels… what teeth he had were yellow and rotten; his eyes popped, and he drooled most of the time,”- To Kill A Mockingbird I got together with my girlfriends and discussed which guys we consider creeps. I won’t list names*, but they were (for the […]

Short-Term Relationships

My father’s from the South. So, I grew up going to PBRs and cattle shows. It’s crazy; bull riders hop on a bull and hope for an 8-second-ride. Eight seconds. While short-lived, you can bet that’s an experience they will cherish forever and never forget. That’s what dating me must be like. My favorite relationships […]

Letting the Guy Pay

“A woman who acts like she can do everything herself, usually ends up having to”- Why Men Love Bitches. Before a I begin, it’s only fair I tell you that I am a feminist…’s worst nightmare. For my birthday my mom got me laser hair removal for my underarms. Guess which body part I’m getting […]

Cheaters (part 1)

“We freakin’. This ain’t cheatin’ as long as we tell nobody”- Usher, Hot Tottie. Usher Raymond IV is an unfaithful bastard. Just listen to “You Make Me Wanna” and “Confessions” (Part I and II). He enjoys a luxury Orange County cheaters are not afforded: his different women have no friends in common. In OC, the […]

Sketchballs

One day in the caf my girlfriend Tracey pretended not to watch as her boyfriend (of 2 years) Jack stole food. Stealing is shady and gross! Tracey defended, “Well, we pay so much for tuition.” Tuition at our university is notoriously steep. But let’s not pretend that more than half the kids weren‘t receiving some […]